“Say sorry!” “Be nice!” "Share your toys!" How many times have we said this without realizing we're asking children to perform an emotional and social act they haven't been trained for?

Imagine being handed a violin and told to play a sonata without ever having a lesson. That's what we do when we ask children to share without teaching it. This is especially true in today’s day when adults in their lives are in a hurry and children don’t have enough time to observe and learn from the community around them. And many times, there is no community around them.

The "Tell vs. Teach" Gap

When we tell a child to "share," we're actually asking them to:

Recognize another person's desires
Set aside their own immediate wants
Understand fairness
Practice delayed gratification

For young children, whose brains are still developing these capacities, a simple task "share" can feel overwhelming.

Sharing is not just a behaviour but a complex social skill that requires intentional teaching, practice, and understanding.

Understanding Developmental Readiness

Children's reluctance to share isn't misbehavior but a signal of where they are in their developmental journey.

Between ages 2-4, most children are learning to recognize themselves as separate from others, establishing autonomy, and only beginning to develop theory of mind - the understanding that others have different thoughts and feelings than their own.

Dr. Lawrence Cohen, psychologist and author, explains it this way: "Expecting a three-year-old to share willingly is like expecting them to solve algebra problems. Their brains simply aren't ready for it yet—but with patience and guidance, they'll get there."

Sharing Strategies

Instead of expecting children to “just share,” we can teach them how to do it in ways that feel safe and manageable.

1. Divide

Division involves physically splitting something into portions so everyone gets a piece. Use this method to introduce basic concepts of equality and fairness through counting and distribution.

Example: At snack time, a teacher models, "We have 12 crackers and four friends. Let's count together as we give three to each person. That way everyone gets the same amount!"

2. Take Turns

Taking turns introduces the element of time management and patience. Children learn that though they can't have something right now, they will get a turn soon.

Example: "Ratna is using the swing now. When the big hand on our clock moves to the 3, it will be your turn. Would you like to play with the sand toys while you wait?"

3. Exchange

Exchange-based sharing teaches negotiation skills and helps children recognize that giving something up can result in gaining something else of value.

Example: "I notice you're interested in Aarav's dinosaur. Do you have something you might offer to trade with him?"

4. Collaborate

Using something together represents the most sophisticated form of sharing, requiring ongoing communication and cooperation.

Example: "This art table is for everyone to use. How can you both work on your paintings while sharing the red paint?"

Provide guided practice in using language to coordinate - "Can I use that when you're done?" or "Let's put it in the middle so we can both reach it".

Personal Boundaries

Keeping all this in mind, it is equally important to teach children about creating personal boundaries. This helps them:

Develop a secure sense of ownership
Learn to respect others' boundaries
Practice asserting their own boundaries respectfully
Understand consent in age-appropriate ways

Children often have treasured possessions that hold emotional significance beyond what adults might recognize. Respecting these attachments builds trust and emotional security. Some practical strategies are:

Pre-playdate conversations: "Let's decide which toys you're comfortable sharing today, and which ones we should put in a special place."
Teaching polite refusal: "This is my special teddy that I don't share, but you can play with my blocks if you'd like or my other Teddy."
Modeling respect for others' boundaries: "I see that's Aryan’s special toy. Let's respect that it's not for sharing and find something else to play with."

Scaffolding to Sharing

Like any complex skill, sharing develops gradually with support & guidance. Some approaches to nurture sharing skills:

Narrate and Notice - Provide language that helps children understand what's happening: "I see you gave Ria a turn with your car. He looks happy now, and I can tell you're being generous."
Model Generosity - Children learn by watching adults share resources, time, and attention. Make your own sharing visible: "I have two cookies. I'd like to share one with you because sharing makes both people feel good."
Create Low-Pressure Opportunities - Offer plenty of group activities where sharing is built into the structure: cooperative games, cooking projects, or collaborative art.
Honor Progress - Acknowledge growth in specific terms: "Last month, it was hard for you to take turns on the slide. Today I noticed you waited patiently three times. Your patience is growing stronger!"

Sharing isn't just about who gets the toy truck today – it's about developing lifelong capacities for generosity and community-mindedness.

When we teach the skills behind sharing rather than simply expecting it, we prepare children not just for playground success but for meaningful connection in an increasingly interdependent world.